By A. (they/she)
So feelings can kind of suck.
I know that’s not a particularly eloquent way of putting it, but one of the common human experiences is putting yourself out there and getting hurt. It’s something that can make dating- a term I’m using a little loosely here- difficult for anyone. Whether it’s romantic or platonic or something more nebulous, developing a relationship with another person is rife with the chance of rejection, broken trust, and general bad experiences.
So, to expand upon my initial statement: feelings and dating can kind of suck.
With the aforementioned potential (not so great) outcomes of dating, it’s pretty clear why developing relationships across the board can be something a lot of us are apprehensive about, regardless of whether we’re aspec or allo. There are exceptions, of course, with people who genuinely enjoy dating, whether it’s a stranger they fall for or a wonderfully functional friends-to-lovers deal (that I want in on, thanks).
I have yet to experience a positive exception.
Part of that has to do with my own baggage. The mental health issues, the personal hang-ups, the unwillingness to be known (see Twitter meme for reference).
Part of that has to do with being asexual.
A disclaimer: I recently did an oversimplified poll on Twitter regarding aspec and allo perspectives on dating and found, surprisingly, that there were a lot of aspecs who viewed dating in a significantly more positive light than I did. So to specify, I’m a sex-repulsed, bi asexual, and while my experiences might resonate with some people on the aspectrum, they definitely don’t coincide with all of them. Yet it’s specifically my identity as an ace person that affects certain aspects of my dating life.
One aspect is an inevitable time limit- my relationships all seem to have a three month expiration date.
Three months, you see, is about the time it takes for someone to realize that I’m actually asexual. You know, like I say I am.
And then, soon after this realization, the pressure for sex or dehumanizing conversations follow.
“I don’t think it’s actually possible for people not to want sex,” my ex said to me in the back of a taxi, right around the two and a half month mark. “How could someone not want that kind of connection?”
Yeah. How could someone not want sex, right? Absolutely bizarre.
Oh wait.
Snarky comments aside, I had told my (now) ex that I was ace on our second date, along with assuring her I was fine with being friends if she would rather not further pursue anything romantic and agreeing that we were going to have an open relationship.
Part of dating is finding out whether or not the people involved are compatible. It would’ve been more than understandable if, after those two and a half months, my ex had said, “Hey, I’ve decided sex is really important to me in romantic relationships, so what we have isn’t going to work.”
Instead, what happened was a conversation that tried to negate the legitimacy of asexuality- the legitimacy of my identity.
There are unfortunately many, many stories of ace people who, while dating, make it clear that they’re not interested in sex only to have this aspect of their identity swept aside by their partners. If it’s not a complete disregard of asexuality as a whole, it’s the belief that a partner might be the exception to asexuality, which is just as frustrating and dehumanizing.
So there’s the time limit, the ticking clock that I have in the back of my mind of when the person I’m dating will either decide it’s Time for me to Want Sex with them (despite any and all attempts to say I’m not interested) or try to Disprove Asexuality.
Both suck.
Before I realized I was ace, I would simply try to put off sex for as long as possible. I didn’t fully understand why it made me so uncomfortable, but I was aware that it wasn’t an experience I enjoyed- and one that made me feel awful even being around the person I’d had sex with.
Given current societal standards (in the places I was dating), it wasn’t easy to simply “put off” sex. If it wasn’t the first date, it was the second.
Hilariously(?), this led to me essentially having a hook-up phase. I would go on a date or two, get propositioned for sex, then either have sex (trying to convince myself that I just “needed more practice” and would eventually enjoy it) and end things with them, or turn them down and ghost them (since the expectation was hanging over my head and I didn’t know why it felt so uncomfortable).
Unhealthy coping mechanisms, I know. Terrible communication skills, I know. There are a lot of things I wish I could have do-overs on, and a lot of things I wish I could tell myself back at seventeen.
I don’t do hook-ups anymore.
I also don’t date.
It is very, very rare, in my experience, to find people interested in a romantic relationship who are content without the aspect of sex. It’s even rarer to find people who are actually content without the aspect of sex in a relationship, even if they initially say that they are.
I guess it brings me back to my initial statement on how all forms of relationships can go wrong- rejection, broken trust, and general bad experiences.
Dating while asexual just gives another dimension to all these things.
And, to make note here, so can other forms of aspec identities. Aromantic people, for example, may want to have a relationship that is coded as something beyond friendship but be romance-repulsed and uncomfortable with societal expectations of “dating.”
It’s complicated. For everyone, allos included.
I think that just means we could all use a lot more empathy, communication (looking at myself on this one, promise), and research, if someone you’re dating has an identity- or even experiences- that are outside of your current realm of knowledge.
Feelings can suck. Dating can suck.
But maybe we can make both a little bit less horrible with continued discussions and education and awareness. It’s always going to be hard for some of us, but what I hope, at least, is that one day the difficulty will be worth it.
Want to submit a piece on your own thoughts and aspec experiences? Fill out our google form here to get started!
Comments